Leaning into our anger, we might just let ourselves free
Leaning into our anger, we might just let ourselves free
Anger. Just notice what it feels like to say the emotion out loud. What happens in your body? Does your breathing stop? Does your stomach tense up? Do you feel an impulse in your body to fight?
A simple word can bring up an array of associations, bodily sensations, thoughts and past experiences. For many of us, anger is associated with aggression, with threat, with fear. Especially for those who have experienced a household where yelling, screaming, shouting or physical violence as a result of anger was common. We automatically associate the emotion with the reaction to this emotion. Anger itself can feel like a very real threat, and justifiably if it led to violence in some shape or form.
In reality, anger is a primal emotion we all feel in the face of a perceived injustice. It is an important emotion to feel, since it signals to us a perceived danger, and a necessity to fight. I believe it is important to distinguish between the emotion itself, and the reaction or behaviour that comes after it. Anger comes up for a reason, like any other emotion, and it wants to be heard.
Oftentimes, due to our associations, we suppress this anger. The more it is suppressed, the more likely it is to lead to internalized anger, which can then unconsciously, impulsively burst in moments we least expect. It’s easy to believe “let me just ignore this, it’ll go away”, but in reality the more we suppress, the more likely it’ll be internalized to an extent that it can lead to resentment, and then depression. Or the opposite, that it will be externalized when we least expect it, causing us to lash out, harming others and the environment in the process.
I believe that repressed anger is extremely common in society, due to the fear of what anger can mean. Even though not easy, allowing and becoming curious about this anger, could just set us free.
I encourage you to think about the last time you were angry. Let yourself take note of the situation. What triggered you? What was the part that made you the most angry? As you notice this, let yourself acknowledge the anger, that it is very real and very important. Validate it for yourself, that this is an important emotion to feel. Anger is actually a secondary emotion, meaning that there is often an emotion that comes before it, that then leads to the anger. Ask yourself - what is underneath this anger right now? What am I feeling underneath? Is it sadness…or perhaps disappointment…maybe it is insecurity…or simply frustration, or a combination of all four.
The more we get curious about this anger, and befriend it by exploring it, as if it were a friend, the more it can release, and set us and others free.
I challenge you the next time you feel angry, to pause. Take a step back, take a moment for yourself and breathe. And ask yourself - what if I just allow it right now and acknowledge I am angry, that it’s okay to be angry, it’s normal, and I can decide how I want to express it from here.
Of course, when we grew up with models of others yelling or lashing out to express their anger, it can be hard to imagine other ways that this anger can be communicated. Here are a few other ways to express this anger once you have acknowledged it:
Pushing against a wall with your two palms wide open and letting yourself feel it pushing into the wall
Taking a pillow and letting yourself shake the pillow
Putting on some music and shaking your body to it
Writing down what the anger is telling you and what is underneath
Taking a towel and twisting it with all your strength
Going for a run or walk
After somatically releasing it, it can feel easier to communicate calmly to another and say “I was angry because X and Y. What I need right now is B. Would this be possible?”
When we ignore our anger, our anger takes control of us. By getting curious, we open up so many more possibilities. Oftentimes anger issues stem from deep sadness, and traumas that were passed down from our families. I encourage you to explore this anger further with a therapist, where you can understand and explore the root cause of the anger, and how to learn to acknowledge it, befriend it, and express it in new ways. You deserve it, and so do the people around you.
Warmly,
Madeleine Lefeuvre ©2025